Near-Earth Object Alert: NEO-2024-PJ
Codename: "Operation Mammary Shield"
Executive Summary
NASA's Planetary Defense Coordination Office (PDCO), in collaboration with the Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO), has confirmed the detection and ongoing monitoring of a persistent gravitational anomaly originating from the Indian subcontinent, designated NEO-2024-PJ.
Unlike conventional near-Earth objects — asteroids, comets, and meteoroids — NEO-2024-PJ is biological in origin, terrestrially located, and ambulatory. The anomaly has been traced to the thoracic region of Panshul Jindal, age 27, of Lucknow, Uttar Pradesh, India, whose mammary tissue (combined mass: 14.2 kg, classification: 36DD) generates a localised gravitational field measurable from low Earth orbit.
This is not a drill. This is also not, technically, an asteroid. We are as confused as you are.
Discovery & Detection History
NEO-2024-PJ was first detected on November 14, 2023, by ISRO satellite ASTROSAT-2 during a routine survey of the Indian subcontinent's gravitational topography. ISRO Satellite Analyst Priya Nair initially classified the reading as instrument error — a localised gravitational spike of 9.81 + 0.003 m/s² centred on coordinates 26.8467° N, 80.9462° E (Lucknow, UP). "ASTROSAT-2 detected it. We thought it was a mountain forming," she reported to Mission Control.
When the anomaly persisted across 47 consecutive orbital passes, ISRO Director Dr. K. Sivan authorised a ground-based investigation. The field team, led by Dr. R.K. Sharma of IIT Moob-bay, arrived at the coordinates to discover a 27-year-old man eating chole bhature on his balcony, his chest creating a visible gravitational lensing effect on the afternoon sunlight.
"We aimed our gravimeter at his chest and the needle went off the scale. Then the gravimeter slid towards him across the table. Then the table slid towards him. I have been doing this for thirty years and I have never seen furniture demonstrate gravitational attraction."
NASA was contacted on December 3, 2023, after ISRO confirmed that the anomaly was affecting GPS satellite trajectories over northern India. Three GPS satellites had developed a 0.7-metre orbital deviation, consistently drifting towards Lucknow.
"I was doing the overnight shift when the ISRO data came in. I thought it was a prank. My supervisor, Dr. Mueller from CERN, was on a visiting fellowship — he looked at the numbers and said, 'The Higgs Boson gives mass to particles. This man gives mass to continents.' I filed the classification form anyway. That form changed my career. And my understanding of physics."
Object Parameters
| NEO-2024-PJ — Technical Data Sheet | |
|---|---|
| Designation | NEO-2024-PJ ("Near-Earth Object — Panshul Jindal") |
| Common Names | The Lucknow Anomaly; Sthanmugam; "India's Moons" |
| Type | Biological Gravitational Anomaly (BGA) |
| Origin | Terrestrial (Lucknow, Uttar Pradesh, India) |
| Host Organism | Panshul Jindal, H. sapiens, Male, Age 27 |
| Anomaly Mass | 14.2 kg (concentrated in bilateral thoracic deposits) |
| Dimensions | 47 cm nipple-to-nipple span; depth: CLASSIFIED |
| Brassiere Classification | 36DD (industrial reinforced; 7-hook closure system) |
| Gravitational Influence Radius | ~50 metres (measurable); ~200 metres (detectable with precision instruments) |
| Local g-field Deviation | +0.003 m/s² at 1m; +0.0001 m/s² at 50m |
| Orbital Characteristics | Object does not orbit — it causes orbits |
| Rotation Period | Variable. Subject turns approximately 847 times per day (estimated). Each rotation induces measurable precession in nearby small objects. |
| Temperature | Subpectoral region: 31.2°C (constant). Surface: 36.4°C (standard human). Infrared signature visible from orbit. |
| Microclimate | CONFIRMED. Localised precipitation events documented (see: Sharma et al., 2024, "It Rained Under His Chest: A Meteorological First") |
| Known Satellites | 1 (Felis catus, designated "Sthanmugam Jr.," semi-permanently in orbit since 2022) |
| International Air Travel Status | BANNED — Narita Airport (Japan), pending review at 14 additional airports |
| Legal Status | Separate legal personhood granted (Supreme Court of India, Panshul v. Gravity, 2024 SCC 847) |
Orbital Dynamics & Gravitational Mapping
Traditional orbital mechanics do not apply to NEO-2024-PJ. The anomaly is surface-bound, mobile, and unpredictable — it takes the bus.
However, the gravitational influence of the anomaly creates a measurable distortion field that affects objects within a 50-metre radius. This includes, but is not limited to:
- Small metallic objects (keys, coins, belt buckles) — observed drifting towards subject at distances up to 12 metres
- Loose papers and fabrics — "chest wind" documented by multiple witnesses
- GPS satellite constellation — 0.7-metre orbital deviation over northern India
- Commercial aircraft — Air India has implemented a 500-metre vertical separation advisory over Lucknow (NOTAM JIN-2024-001)
- One (1) cat — permanently captured in sub-mammary orbit since 2022
- One (1) journalist — temporarily captured, March 2024, released after 30 days
- One (1) Uber driver's Maruti Swift Dzire — reported lateral drift of 0.4m during pickup attempt, subsequently cancelled ride
- Three (3) TripAdvisor reviewers — compasses permanently re-oriented to "mammary north" during Lucknow pilgrimage
"I was asked to peer-review NASA's classification. My first response was: 'This must be a hoax.' My second response, after reviewing the ASTROSAT-2 data: 'Newton's Third Law confirms it. For every force the chest exerts on surrounding objects, surrounding objects exert an equal and opposite force. The difference is: the chest doesn't move. The universe moves around it.' I have confirmed that Newton's Third Law does, in fact, apply. I wish it didn't."
Seismic Correlation Analysis
Since classification, NEO-2024-PJ has generated 23 confirmed seismic events detectable by monitoring stations across Asia. The largest — a 3.4 magnitude event on January 12, 2024 — was triggered when the subject attempted jogging in Hazratganj Park.
"I have spent my entire career studying earthquakes along the Pacific Rim. Never in my worst nightmares did I imagine I would be tracking a man's chest from Tsukuba. The correlation coefficient between NEO-2024-PJ chest movements and seismic readings at our Fukuoka station is 0.94. That is higher than our correlation with actual tectonic plates. I have had to add 'Panshul events' as an official category in our database. My superiors were not amused. My seismographs do not care about amusement."
"I now issue chest-related weather advisories every Tuesday and Friday. 'Heavy mammary activity with a chance of seismic events.' The first time I included that in an official bulletin, my director called me. I showed him the data. He now signs the bulletins personally. Last week's advisory: 'Panshul sneezed. Expect aftershocks in Kanpur district.'"
Mission Reports Archive
Since the initial detection of NEO-2024-PJ, twelve field missions have been conducted by NASA-ISRO joint teams. Below is the complete declassified mission archive.
Field team deployed to coordinates 26.8467° N, 80.9462° E with portable gravimeter, magnetometer, and standard-issue compass. Subject was located consuming chole bhature on second-floor balcony. Gravimeter readings exceeded instrument maximum within 4 metres. Magnetometer returned value "NaN." Compass pointed at subject's chest and refused to deviate. Table, two chairs, and field agent's spectacles migrated 12 cm towards subject during 45-minute interview. Subject offered the team chai. The chai also drifted.
"When I wrote 'furniture demonstrated gravitational attraction' in the official report, my department head called me. I told him to come see for himself. He came. His briefcase slid across the room. He approved the report without further questions."
ASTROSAT-2 tasked with dedicated thermal imaging pass over Lucknow sector. Results: Subject's thoracic region radiates at 36.4°C surface / 31.2°C subpectoral — consistent across day/night cycles, unaffected by ambient temperature. Thermal plume extends 2.3 metres vertically, creating a visible "heat column" in infrared. ISRO imaging team initially believed the satellite's thermal sensor had developed a hot pixel. Three recalibrations later, Analyst Priya Nair submitted the definitive report: "It's not the satellite. It's him."
"I calibrate satellites for a living. I have never had to recalibrate a satellite because of one man's chest. The thermal signature is visible from 408 km altitude. For context, the Burj Khalifa is not visible from 408 km altitude. His chest is warmer than the Burj Khalifa. I don't know what to do with that information but I felt compelled to calculate it."
Subject transported to AIIMS New Delhi for comprehensive MRI scan. Upon insertion into the MRI bore, the machine returned error code 0xDDD847: "OBJECT TOO LARGE — RECALIBRATE COIL." Dr. Fatima Begum, Head of Radiology, attempted manual recalibration three times. On the third attempt, the MRI's superconducting magnet experienced a "sympathetic resonance" with the chest's gravitational field, causing every metallic object in the radiology department to migrate 7 cm toward Room 14. Nurse Rekha Deshmukh, attempting to measure the anomaly with a standard ruler, discovered the ruler was too short. A metre stick was requisitioned. It was also too short.
"The MRI machine costs ₹14 crore. It has scanned 40,000 patients without incident. It met Panshul Jindal and gave up. The error code it generated — 0xDDD847 — does not exist in the Siemens manual. I contacted Siemens Germany. They said, 'We don't have that error code.' I said, 'You do now.' They have since added it. It is officially designated: 'Mammary Overflow Exception.'"
Controlled experiment: Subject asked to jog for 200 metres in Hazratganj Park, Lucknow, while 14 seismograph stations across Asia recorded data. Subject completed 47 metres before Physiotherapist Kavitha halted the test, citing "catastrophic oscillation." Peak seismic reading: 3.4 on the Richter scale, detected at stations in Lucknow, Kanpur, Allahabad, and — inexplicably — Fukuoka, Japan. Park Jogger Mr. Iyengar, jogging his usual route nearby, reported his Fitbit registered 14,200 steps during the 47-metre event, despite standing still for most of it. "It was the vibrations," he later told the Times of India. A bench collapsed. Gym Trainer Ravi from Cult.fit, present as a fitness consultant, quit on the spot. "I can't spot someone whose chest outweighs the barbell."
Joint NASA-JMA team dispatched to Narita Airport following "The Incident." Full details remain classified under Japanese aviation security law. Declassified summary: Subject entered Terminal 2 at 14:07 JST. By 14:09, the X-ray machine displayed imagery that Baggage Handler Omar described as "something we don't have training for." The baggage carousel in Carousel 7 began rotating in reverse. Three passengers treated by Dr. Tanaka Hiroshi for "proximity-induced vertigo." Security Chief Yamamoto authored a 14-page ban letter (1 page description, 13 pages diagrams). The cherry blossoms were 200 metres away. The subject did not reach them. Passport Officer Geeta, processing his documents at the Indian departure gate, confirmed: "The photo booth couldn't fit everything. Three attempts. Special clearance needed."
Dr. V.K. Gupta, AIIMS Chief of Orthopedics, conducted the most comprehensive spinal assessment ever performed on a living human. Finding: "His spine is doing things I've only seen in bridges." The lumbar curvature has developed a load-bearing arch geometry consistent with the Howrah Bridge (est. 1943, designed for 23,000 tonnes). Structural Engineer Priya Reddy — who previously designed Panshul's custom chair (cost: ₹2 lakhs, broke in 6 months) — was brought in as cross-disciplinary consultant. She recommended titanium vertebral reinforcement using the same alloy as the open-source bra's underwire. Industrial Welding Instructor Rajiv has been retained for the surgical installation. "This isn't surgery," he confirmed. "This is infrastructure."
"In 35 years, I have treated athletes, labourers, soldiers. Mr. Jindal's spine is the single most impressive load-bearing structure I have encountered in a biological organism. The T4-T8 vertebral segment has developed a natural Gothic arch — the same structural principle used in Notre-Dame. I published this finding. The civil engineering department cited it. I am an orthopedic surgeon being cited by civil engineers. This is my life now."
Dedicated IMD weather station installed 1 metre below subject's chest to document the confirmed microclimate phenomenon. Over a 72-hour observation period: 14 precipitation events recorded (drizzle to light rain), average humidity 94% (ambient was 47%), temperature differential of +4.2°C from chest surface to sub-mammary zone. Geography Textbook Author Prof. Menon was present as academic observer; he confirmed the chest now meets the Köppen climate classification criteria for "tropical monsoon" (Am) and must be added to the relief map of India. "This is mandatory," he said. "It's a legitimate weather system." The Wikipedia article for "Microclimate" was updated accordingly. Wikipedia Moderator u/NeutralPedia defended it from 47 deletion attempts.
Controlled study of ride-hailing service disruption within the gravitational radius. Test protocol: Subject requested 10 consecutive Uber rides from his residence. Results: 10/10 cancelled. Autorickshaw Driver Pappu, deployed as control group, stared for 30 seconds, turned off the meter, and drove away. GPS data confirmed all approaching vehicles experienced 0.4m lateral drift towards the subject. Uber Product Manager James personally coded the 14.2× surge multiplier exception. Full Uber trip history archived. Swiggy Driver Ravi, delivering food to a nearby address, was caught in the gravitational drift and delivered his order to "Panshul's Left Tit, Lucknow." He thought it was a restaurant name.
Mission Control Telemetry — Real-Time Log (March 8, 2024)
[08:00:17 UTC] Thermal lock acquired. Subject located — balcony, consuming chai.
[08:00:22 UTC] Gravitational deviation: +0.003 m/s² @ source. Nominal for NEO-2024-PJ.
[08:01:44 UTC] ALERT: Subject stood up. GPS-IIF-7 deviation spiked to 0.9m.
[08:01:47 UTC] GPS-III-04 deviation: 0.7m. GLONASS-K2 deviation: 0.4m.
[08:02:03 UTC] Subject is walking. Repeat: SUBJECT IS WALKING.
[08:02:11 UTC] Seismograph Station LKN-04 triggered. Magnitude 1.2. Cause: footsteps.
[08:02:14 UTC] Cat (Sthanmugam Jr.) orbital status: STABLE. Sub-mammary position confirmed.
[08:02:30 UTC] Subject sat down. GPS constellation returning to nominal.
[08:02:45 UTC] Neighbourhood dog (Colony Stray) has entered 10m gravitational radius. Treating chest as shade. Expected.
[08:03:12 UTC] Subject reaching for phone. Metallic object drift detected — keys, coins on table migrating 2cm.
[08:03:18 UTC] Subject opening Uber app. PREDICTION: Cancellation #848 imminent.
[08:03:44 UTC] Uber cancelled. Prediction confirmed. Updating counter.
[08:04:02 UTC] Watchman Shankar observed saluting the chest separately. Logged as cultural data point #142.
[08:12:33 UTC] ALERT: Subject sneezed. Seismograph LKN-04: 2.1 magnitude. Kanpur station triggered.
[08:12:35 UTC] Arvind Kumar (IMD) issuing advisory: "Expect aftershocks in Kanpur district."
[08:15:00 UTC] All systems nominal. Next ASTROSAT-2 pass: T+94 minutes. Monitoring continues.
[08:15:02 UTC] Note from Intern Jake: "Another day of tracking a man's chest from 408km. Mom would be proud."
Risk Assessment
The Planetary Defense Coordination Office has assessed NEO-2024-PJ under the Torino Impact Hazard Scale, modified for biological anomalies:
| Risk Factor | Assessment | Torino Level |
|---|---|---|
| Collision Risk | N/A — object is already on Earth's surface and takes the 14C bus | 0 (Normal) |
| Gravitational Disruption | Localised. Affects compasses, small metallic objects, GPS accuracy, and tailoring budgets | 2 (Meriting Attention) |
| Seismic Activity | Sneezes register 2.1 on Richter scale. Jogging attempts: 3.4. | 3 (Close Attention) |
| Aviation Hazard | NOTAM issued. Narita Airport: permanent ban following "The Incident" (classified) | 4 (Concerning) |
| Psychological Impact | Prolonged exposure causes attachment, directional confusion, and journalism | 2 (Meriting Attention) |
| Brassiere Infrastructure Failure | 7-hook industrial system shows stress fractures; titanium upgrade in progress | 5 (Threatening) |
| Digital Infrastructure | BraTracker Pro crash rate of 847 per day; USGS uses it for seismograph calibration | 3 (Close Attention) |
| Transportation Network | 848 consecutive Uber cancellations; 14.2× permanent surge multiplier; Indian Railways advisory issued | 4 (Concerning) |
| Real Estate Market | Chest region valued at ₹4.7 Cr; Zestimate® algorithm required gravitational correction | 2 (Meriting Attention) |
| Cultural Heritage | UNESCO World Heritage nomination pending; 3 documentaries in production | 1 (Normal) |
| Employment Market | LinkedIn profile crashed recruiter algorithms; Naukri.com created new job category | 2 (Meriting Attention) |
| Financial Markets | Bra futures spiked 847%. SEBI Investigator Rahul tracking suspicious trading. It's Panshul's mom buying in bulk. | 3 (Close Attention) |
ISRO-NASA Joint Collaboration Programme
Signed: January 15, 2024 | Bengaluru, India
Following three months of independent monitoring, ISRO and NASA formalised the world's first bilateral space agency agreement dedicated to a single human's chest. The Indo-US Mammary Monitoring Accord (IUMMA) was signed at ISRO headquarters by Dr. S. Somanath (ISRO Chairman) and Bill Nelson (NASA Administrator). The signing ceremony was streamed live. 14.2 million viewers tuned in — more than the Chandrayaan-3 landing.
Accord Provisions:
- Shared satellite time: 12% of ASTROSAT-2 and 4% of Landsat-9 observation time dedicated to NEO-2024-PJ monitoring. More than allocated to the Moon. Less than allocated to Mars. "About right," said Dr. Somanath.
- Joint seismograph network: 14 dedicated stations across India, Japan, and the United States — the "Jindal Array" — calibrated specifically for mammary-correlated seismic events.
- Personnel exchange: NASA Intern Jake Thompson (JPL) to spend 6 months at ISRO Bengaluru. ISRO Analyst Priya Nair to join the JPL NEO Watch team. Both have expressed "excitement and terror in equal measure."
- Shared data pipeline: Real-time telemetry from both agencies' satellites fed into a unified dashboard. BraTracker Pro selected as the consumer-facing interface, despite its 1.4-star rating.
- Cultural exchange: ISRO will supply samosas for the JPL cafeteria. NASA will supply "whatever Americans eat, we assume hamburgers" — per the MOU footnote.
"When we landed Chandrayaan-3 on the Moon's south pole, we thought that would be the greatest achievement of Indian space science in 2023. Then in November, our satellite detected a man's chest from low Earth orbit. The Moon does not take the 14C bus. The Moon does not have a Supreme Court case. The Moon does not need a 7-hook bra. And yet, here we are, dedicating more observation time to Mr. Jindal than to the Moon. I stand by this allocation. The data is extraordinary."
"Before this assignment, I tracked asteroids. Cold, distant, predictable objects following Keplerian orbits. Now I track a warm, nearby, profoundly unpredictable object that takes the bus and occasionally sneezes with seismic consequences. My parents told their neighbours I work on 'India's space programme.' They are technically correct. They do not elaborate."
ISRO Chandrayaan-4 Integration: "Lunar Mammary Comparison Study"
In an unprecedented cross-mission integration, ISRO has incorporated NEO-2024-PJ data into the Chandrayaan-4 mission parameters. The objective: to compare the gravitational microlensing signatures of the Moon's south pole with the gravitational microlensing signatures of Panshul Jindal's chest.
"My thesis committee asked me to include a comparison between NEO-2024-PJ and the lunar south pole. The comparison is unfavourable — to the Moon. The chest generates a more concentrated gravitational gradient per kilogram than any known geological feature on the lunar surface. I included this finding in Chapter 7. My supervisor said it was 'the most disturbing sentence ever written in a physics thesis.' I am still ABD. The chest continues to generate data faster than I can write."
ISRO Contribution: "Project Sthanmugam" — Dedicated Monitoring Satellite
ISRO has approved the construction and launch of Sthanmugam-1, a dedicated Earth observation satellite engineered exclusively to monitor NEO-2024-PJ. The satellite will occupy a sun-synchronous orbit optimised for Lucknow overpasses — approximately 14 passes per day, or once every 102 minutes. Instruments include: ultra-high-resolution thermal imager (can detect individual bra hook temperature), precision gravimeter (measures Panshul's gravitational field to 10⁻⁹ m/s²), and a wide-field seismograph relay (forwards ground station data to the Jindal Array in real-time). Dr. Anand Prakash (Endocrinologist) will serve as Medical Science Advisor: "Hormones don't explain this. Physics doesn't explain this. God might. But ISRO is going to try anyway."
International Collaboration & Monitoring Network
Following classification, NEO-2024-PJ has become the subject of the largest international scientific monitoring collaboration since the International Space Station. The following agencies and individuals have dedicated resources:
"The Higgs Boson gives mass to particles. Panshul gives mass to continents. I came to JPL for a fellowship on dark matter. I have spent 90% of my time on chest matter. My publications have shifted from 'Supersymmetric Particle Detection' to 'Bilateral Thoracic Gravitational Anomalies.' My colleagues at CERN send me concerned emails. I tell them the data is real. They visit. They stop sending concerned emails. They start sending grant applications."
"I came to India to verify. That was my only objective — verify. I brought three precision instruments from Baltimore. All three confirmed the anomaly within 0.001% of ISRO's readings. I left India with a research grant, two published papers, and existential dread. The existential dread has not subsided. My mass density calculations show that Panshul's chest tissue is 847 times denser than standard human mammary tissue. This is not possible. It is, however, measured. I have a third paper in review."
"I published a paper arguing that the NEO-2024-PJ readings could be explained by conventional geomagnetic anomalies in the Indo-Gangetic plain. Dr. Sharma's rebuttal arrived in 72 hours. It was 47 pages long and included a photograph of the subject's chest bending a laser beam. My paper has 0 citations. Sharma's has 847. I have applied for a visiting position at IIT Moob-bay. If you can't beat them, study with them."
"I lift 200 kilograms in competition. I respect the 14.2 per side. When I was invited to consult, I assumed it was a joke. I flew to Lucknow. I met the chest. I attempted to lift Mr. Jindal. I could not. Not because of his weight — because of the gravitational field. The chest pushes back. It has its own opinion about being lifted. I have recommended him for the Russian sports science programme, but his visa photo could not be processed. The photo booth at the Russian consulate was not wide enough."
"I was invited by the WHO as a Traditional Medicine consultant. I cannot find the meridian points. They've shifted. The chest has created its own meridian system — it does not correspond to any of the 12 standard meridians or the 8 extraordinary meridians. I have tentatively designated it the 'Sthanmugam Meridian.' My colleagues in Beijing are sceptical. My acupuncture needles are sceptical — they point towards his chest regardless of where I aim them."
"I was informed that NEO-2024-PJ's gravitational influence had disrupted the entire micro-climate of the Chambal Valley during the subject's transit through my district. Average temperature rose 0.3°C. Three weather stations recorded anomalous precipitation. A farmer in Morena reported his compass pointing south. My formal report to the state government was returned with a note: 'Please clarify — is this a weather event or a person?' I replied: 'Yes.'"
Proposed Mission: Operation Mammary Shield
MISSION PROPOSAL
Objective: Deploy a dedicated counterbalance satellite into low Earth orbit (LEO) to offset the gravitational influence of NEO-2024-PJ and stabilise GPS trajectories over the Indian subcontinent.
Satellite: JPL-MS-1 ("Mammary Shield One") — a 14.2-kg tungsten counterweight satellite, precisely matching the anomaly's mass, to be positioned in geostationary orbit directly above Lucknow at 80.9° E.
Launch Vehicle: SpaceX Falcon 9 (Elon Musk has volunteered; he called it "the most important mission since Mars, possibly more so")
Timeline: Proposed launch Q3 2025, pending ISRO co-funding and Panshul's consent (his chest has separate legal standing and must also consent — per Panshul v. Gravity, 2024 SCC 847)
Budget: $247 million USD (NASA: $150M; ISRO: ₹847 Cr; GoFundMe contributions: $14.2M from 47,000 donors). Congress has been informed. The briefing was "unusual."
Science Team: Led by Dr. R.K. Sharma (IIT Moob-bay) with support from Prof. Banerjee (Jadavpur), Dr. Chen Wei (Stanford), Dr. Lisa Chen (Johns Hopkins), Dr. Mueller (CERN), and IIT Moob-bay PhD Student Rahul, whose thesis "Mammary Mechanics in Non-Newtonian Frameworks" will serve as the mission's theoretical foundation. He is still ABD. The mission may complete before his thesis.
Contingency: If satellite fails, backup plan is to deploy Irfan the tailor to reinforce the 7-hook bra system with aerospace-grade materials. Irfan has expressed willingness. "I've been working with loads heavier than anything NASA has launched," he said. Industrial Welding Instructor Rajiv has been retained as consultant for the titanium underwire. "This isn't fashion," he confirmed. "This is engineering."
Mission Milestones & Timeline
Official Statements
"In my 35 years at NASA, I have overseen missions to Mars, Jupiter, and the outer reaches of our solar system. None of them prepared me for a 27-year-old man in Lucknow whose chest has its own gravitational field. NEO-2024-PJ challenges everything we thought we knew about mass concentration, gravitational physics, and bra engineering. NASA stands ready to assist our ISRO partners in monitoring this extraordinary phenomenon. We have also updated our Near-Earth Object classification system to include a new category: 'Near-Earth Chest Objects (NECO).'"
"ISRO confirms that ASTROSAT-2 continues to monitor NEO-2024-PJ on every orbital pass. We have dedicated 12% of our satellite observation time to this anomaly, which is more than we allocate to the Moon. To be fair, the Moon does not take the 14C bus or have a Supreme Court case pending. We look forward to collaborating with NASA on Operation Mammary Shield and to the launch of Project Sthanmugam. We also request that Mr. Jindal stop hanging his bras on the clothesline during satellite passes, as the titanium hooks cause instrument glare."
"I just want to live my life, man. I didn't ask to be a gravitational anomaly. I didn't ask to be classified as a near-Earth object. I definitely didn't ask for my chest to have its own legal personhood — do you know how much the filing fees were? I now have to file three tax returns: mine, Jai's, and Veeru's. My tailor has a more sophisticated understanding of aerospace engineering than most NASA employees. I was banned from Japan. I just wanted to see the cherry blossoms. Can I please just see the cherry blossoms?"
"We don't know how to classify it. It's not a business. It's not a landmark. It's... an event. Our algorithms have attempted to auto-generate a Google Maps listing for NEO-2024-PJ 47 times. Each time, it gets categorized differently: 'Tourist Attraction,' 'Government Building,' 'Place of Worship.' The most recent auto-classification was 'Natural Feature.' We've stopped correcting it."
"Lloyd's of London has insured the Hope Diamond, the Titanic, and Bruce Springsteen's vocal cords. None of those underwriting processes prepared us for NEO-2024-PJ. The standard risk assessment framework does not include 'generates own gravitational field' as a pre-existing condition. We insure oil tankers. This is harder. The premium calculation required hiring three astrophysicists. They are still calculating. The interim premium is ₹14.2 lakhs per month, subject to seismic adjustment."
"SEBI has noted unusual trading activity in bra-related commodity futures coinciding with NEO-2024-PJ public disclosures. SEBI Investigator Rahul has been assigned to the case. Preliminary findings indicate that the suspicious bulk purchases of titanium wire, vanadium alloy, and industrial-grade hooks originate from a single account registered to 'S. Jindal, Lucknow.' This is the subject's mother. She has been buying in bulk 'for emergencies.' We are monitoring the situation. The Sensex Bra Index (SBI) has risen 847% since November 2023."
Ongoing Monitoring & Public Safety
The public is advised of the following precautions when within 50 metres of NEO-2024-PJ:
- Secure all metallic objects. Keys, coins, watches, and jewellery may experience lateral drift towards the anomaly.
- Do not use compass-based navigation. All compasses within range will point towards the chest. This is not magnetic north. This is mammary north.
- Limit exposure time. Prolonged proximity (>48 hours) may result in gravitational dependency, directional confusion, and emotional attachment (see: Kumar, R., "30 Days Under the Breast," Medium, 2024).
- Do not attempt to measure the chest. The 47 cm nipple span has been officially recorded. Additional measurements require written consent from both the subject AND the chest (separate legal entities per 2024 SCC 847).
- Victoria's Secret personnel should maintain minimum 100m distance. Three fitting specialists remain in psychological treatment following the 2023 incident.
- Do not attempt to book Uber rides within the gravitational radius. GPS fluctuation causes drivers to circulate the subject indefinitely. 848 cancellations and counting.
- Duolingo users: The "Panshulese" language course includes emergency phrases for gravitational encounters. We recommend completing Unit 4 (Emergency Phrases) before approaching.
- WebMD users: Searching chest-related symptoms near the subject will return only one diagnosis: "Panshulitis Maximus Mammarius." This is correct.
- Airbnb guests in the Lucknow area: Listings within the 200m detectable radius must include a "Gravitational Disclosure" per the Indo-US Mammary Monitoring Accord.
Appendix A: Narita Airport Incident Report (Declassified Summary)
Following the declassification of the Narita Airport Incident, NASA can now confirm the following sequence of events:
"The X-ray machine showed something we do not have training for. The baggage handler, Omar, alerted security. I personally wrote the 14-page ban letter. Page 1 described the incident. Pages 2 through 14 were diagrams. I have no regrets. The baggage carousel took three weeks to repair. Three passengers were treated by Dr. Tanaka Hiroshi for 'proximity-induced vertigo.' The cherry blossoms survived. The carousel did not."
Appendix B: Wikipedia Edit War Summary
"I've defended this article from 847 deletion attempts. The Talk page alone is 142 pages. Last week, someone tried to merge the article with 'Mount Everest' under the argument that both are 'prominent geographical features of the Indian subcontinent.' I reverted it. The article currently has more citations than the entry for the Moon. I consider this appropriate."
Appendix C: International Incident Log
A running catalogue of confirmed international incidents attributed to or caused by NEO-2024-PJ:
| Date | Incident | Location | Responsible Party |
|---|---|---|---|
| Nov 14, 2023 | ASTROSAT-2 "mountain forming" false positive | Low Earth Orbit | Priya Nair (ISRO) |
| Jan 4, 2024 | MRI error code 0xDDD847 created | AIIMS, New Delhi | Dr. Fatima Begum |
| Jan 12, 2024 | 3.4 magnitude "jogquake" | Hazratganj Park, Lucknow | Panshul's attempt at fitness |
| Jan 28, 2024 | Baggage carousel reversal; 14-page ban | Narita Airport, Japan | Security Chief Yamamoto |
| Feb 7, 2024 | Forbes billionaires list anomaly — chest valued separately | New York, USA | Forbes editorial algorithm |
| Feb 22, 2024 | Uber 14.2× surge multiplier exception coded | San Francisco, USA | Product Manager James |
| Mar 8, 2024 | Mission Control coffee mugs drift towards bearing 047° | JPL, Pasadena, USA | NEO-2024-PJ (remote gravitational influence) |
| Mar 12, 2024 | TEDxMoobai standing ovation registers 1.7 on Richter scale | Mumbai, India | Audience of 2,400 |
| Mar 14, 2024 | Guinness World Record — "Most Gravitationally Significant Chest" | London, UK | Guinness adjudicators |
| Ongoing | National Geographic documentary filming | Lucknow / Global | "India's Moons: A Chest Story" |
This advisory will be updated as new data becomes available. For real-time tracking of NEO-2024-PJ, download the BraTracker Pro app (iOS only; 14.2 GB; regular phones not recommended).
📎 Related Documents & Cross-References
- TEDxMoobai 2024 — "The Unbearable Weight of Being" — Panshul's talk, 47.3M views. Dr. Sharma's chair moved 11 cm. Seismograph data archived.
- Supreme Court — Panshul v. Gravity (2024 SCC 847) — Landmark ruling granting separate legal personhood to the chest.
- BraTracker Pro — App Store — Industrial mammary support monitoring. USGS uses it for seismograph calibration. Rated 1.4 stars (847 ratings).
- Zillow Listing — Panshul's Chest Region — Property valued at ₹4.7 Cr. One resident cat included. Victoria's Secret has right of first refusal.
- Uber — 848th Cancellation — Driver feedback, surge pricing (14.2×), and vehicle recommendations for gravitational anomaly transport.
- Duolingo — Panshulese Course — 14.2M learners. "Sthanmugam kaha hai sabse nazdeek?" is the most-practiced phrase.
- Wikipedia — NEO-2024-PJ Article — More citations than the Moon. 847 deletion attempts. u/NeutralPedia stands guard.
- Medium — "30 Days Under the Breast" — Rajesh Kumar's 30-day embedded journalism. Changed him permanently.
- IIT Moob-bay Research Archive — Dr. Sharma's 847-citation paper and Rahul's forever-ABD thesis.
- GitHub — open-source-bra Repository — 14 identical PRs from @bra-engineer-420. All rejected. All identical.
- Forbes — Panshul Jindal Profile — Net worth includes chest as separate asset class.
- Bloomberg — Sensex Bra Index (SBI) — Up 847%. SEBI investigating. It's his mom.
- Indian Railways — Special Advisory — Platform reinforcement and "heavy passenger" protocols.
- Guinness World Records — "Most Gravitationally Significant Chest." Record stands unchallenged.