Your ride was cancelled
Driver unable to accommodate passenger dimensions
This is the 847th cancellation on your account. Per Panshul v. Gravity (2024 SCC 847), Uber is legally required to keep trying.
Panshul Jindal
⚠️ Flagged: Unusual passenger dimensions — 36DD, 14.2 kg chest mass
Uber Pool — PERMANENTLY DISABLED
Panshul Pool has been permanently disabled for your account following The Incident of February 2025.
Three co-riders filed complaints after being "gravitationally compressed" against the left door. One reported chest-induced vertigo. Another claimed the seatbelt retracted into a dimension she "didn't know cars had."
Uber Product Manager James personally coded the Pool ban after reviewing dashcam footage for 14 minutes before needing to lie down.
Sr. Counsel R.K. Mammaswamy challenged this ban under Panshul v. Gravity precedent. The Supreme Court ruled: "Pool may remain disabled until physics is amended." — Justice A.K. Boobesh
"I shared a Pool ride with Panshul once. ONCE. My chiropractor calls it 'The Event.' I call it the reason I walk everywhere now." — Confused Bumble Date Sneha, ★ 1.0 review
Trip Details
PICKUP
Panshul's Current Location
Lucknow, UP — GPS fluctuating due to chest-generated gravitational field (see Google Maps anomaly)
DROPOFF
Any Airport That Will Accept Him
Currently banned from: Narita, Heathrow T5, JFK T4, Lucknow Domestic. Full list on TripAdvisor.
Estimated fare
₹14,200
Distance
47 km (one nipple span)
Payment
UPI (Irfan's account)
Cancellation fee
Waived (Supreme Court order)
Pool eligible
PERMANENTLY BANNED
Driver PTSD claims
14 pending
14.2×
SURGE PRICING
Surge multiplier based on kg-to-passenger ratio. At 14.2 kg of chest mass, the algorithm classifies you as a small vehicle. Uber Product Manager James hardcoded this exception at 3 AM after his 4th Red Bull.
Recommended Vehicle
UberGo
Compact — absolutely not
DENIED
Uber XL
Extra large — still insufficient
DENIED
Uber Black
Premium sedan — suspension warranty voided on arrival
REQUIRED (min.)
Uber Bus
Seats 40 — but only 1 Panshul
MAYBE
Uber Helicopter
Check weight limits. Pilot requires hazard pay.
SUGGESTED
Book entire compartment — no seatbelt issue. See booking page.
BEST OPTION
Flatbed Truck (New!)
Added after Building Contractor Harish suggested it. Uses bridge specifications.
AVAILABLE
🍔
Uber Eats
Delivery to Panshul Jindal — Special Requirements Apply
⚠️ DELIVERY PERSONNEL NOTICE
All deliveries to this address require a valid forklift certification. Standard doorbell reach may be obstructed by chest mass. Delivery instructions: "Leave at doorstep. Do NOT ring bell. The vibrations from the doorbell cause sthan-bhukamp (see Panshulese glossary)."
Structural Engineer Priya Reddy certified the doorstep for parcels up to 25 kg.
Delivery Requirements
Forklift operator certification
MANDATORY
Doorway clearance training (47cm buffer zone)
MANDATORY
Hi-vis vest (chest may obscure sightlines)
MANDATORY
Signed waiver re: gravitational anomalies
MANDATORY
GPS recalibration device (gravitational field distorts signal within 50m)
PROVIDED
Recent Orders
🍕 Domino's (Munna's Branch)
DELIVERED
4× Large Pepperoni, 2× Garlic Bread, 1× Industrial Cheese Burst
Delivery boy: Munna (Irfan's former apprentice). "I quit tailoring for this. Delivering pizza to the man whose bra I couldn't finish? Full circle."
🥘 Tunday Kebab (Khan Sahab's)
FAILED
6× Tunday Kebab Plate, 2× Roomali Roti, 1× Chair Replacement Request
Delivery driver Zomato Boy Akash (moonlighting on Uber Eats) could see the destination from 2km away. Turned back anyway. "Navigation said 300m but my survival instinct said no." Previously documented on Google Maps.
🥛 Mother Dairy Express
AWAITING FORKLIFT
47× Milk Packets (bulk order), 14× Paneer Blocks, 1× "Brand Alignment" Gift Basket
Franchise Head Bansal personally packed this. Included a note: "For our brand ambassador. Still waiting on that sponsorship reply." Booth Operator Bablu added 2 free packets as "brand alignment." See Mother Dairy stock impact.
🍜 Swiggy Crossover Incident
WRONG APP
2× Biryani, 1× Existential Crisis
Swiggy Driver Ravi delivered to "Panshul's Left Tit, Lucknow" via Swiggy, but order appeared on Uber Eats. He thought it was a restaurant name. Spent 20 minutes looking for the signboard.
📦 Amazon Pantry (via Uber Eats relay)
STRUCTURAL FAILURE
1× Industrial Underwire Kit (titanium), 1× Measuring Tape (extra long)
Amazon Warehouse Worker Dinesh packed this in the washing machine crate (standard procedure for Jindal-Proof items). Delivery bike collapsed. Forklift was en route but got stuck in traffic.
Previous Rides
Feb 10, 2026
CANCELLED
Lucknow → Lucknow Airport
Driver's seatbelt sensor triggered 14 consecutive warnings
Feb 7, 2026
CANCELLED
Home → Irfan's Tailoring Shop
Driver reported: "Thought I was picking up 2 people." Now learning Panshulese to process the trauma.
Feb 3, 2026
CANCELLED
IIT Moob-bay → Mother Dairy Outlet
Car's suspension system failed upon passenger entry. Dr. R.K. Sharma witnessed it. Added to thesis appendix.
Jan 28, 2026
CANCELLED
Supreme Court → Lucknow
Chest mass exceeded airbag deployment threshold at rest. Justice A.K. Boobesh saw it from the court window.
Jan 20, 2026
CANCELLED
Home → Narita Airport (Appeal Hearing)
Driver turned around after seeing the 7-hook industrial bra. Tailor Irfan offered to drive instead. His wife Shabnam said no.
Jan 14, 2026
CANCELLED
Gym Trainer Ravi (Cult.fit) was the driver (side hustle). Quit both jobs on the spot. "I can't spot someone whose chest outweighs the barbell."
Jan 7, 2026
CANCELLED
Panshul's House → Netflix India Studio
Yoga Instructor Ananya was in the back seat for Pool (pre-ban). She attempted cobra pose to make room. "We don't talk about cobra pose."
Dec 28, 2025
CANCELLED
Home → LinkedIn India HQ (Job Interview)
Life Insurance Agent Verma was the co-rider. Tried to sell Panshul a policy mid-ride. "Our actuarial tables don't go this far." Then the car broke.
Driver Feedback on Passenger
🚗
Rakesh K.
Maruti Swift Dzire · UP32 XX 1420
"Passenger's chest kept triggering the seatbelt alarm. I tried adjusting it 14 times. The alarm is now permanently traumatized. My car plays the seatbelt warning even when empty. I need therapy."
🚙
Amit S.
Toyota Innova · UP32 YY 0847
"I thought I was picking up 2 people. The app said 1 passenger but my eyes counted at least 3 distinct masses. I tried to charge for two riders and got a Supreme Court notice citing Panshul v. Gravity. I'm not fighting the Supreme Court. One star."
🚐
Vijay P.
Mahindra Scorpio · UP32 ZZ 4700
"My car's suspension has never recovered. It's been 3 months and the Scorpio still leans left. The mechanic asked what happened and I showed him Panshul's profile photo. He closed the shop for the day."
🛺
Pappu (Auto)
Auto Rickshaw · UP32 AA 1420
"I drive an auto rickshaw. I don't know why the app matched us. The chest alone weighs more than my vehicle. We both just stared at each other for 30 seconds and then I drove away. The saddest 30 seconds of my career. I'm now learning Panshulese on Duolingo to cope."
🚕
Mrs. Khurana (Neighbor)
Honda City · UP32 BB 4747 — NOT A DRIVER
"I'm not an Uber driver. I'm his NEIGHBOR. The app somehow added me because I'm always near his GPS pin. I've complained to the RWA about 'structural vibrations' and now Uber thinks I'm part of the fleet. Col. Bhatia (Retd) is drafting a letter."
🚛
Harish (Contractor)
Tata Truck · UP32 CC 1420 — CONSTRUCTION VEHICLE
"I'm a building contractor, not a taxi. But I reinforced his bedroom floor using bridge specifications, so when the app said 'heavy load pickup' I assumed it was concrete. It was Panshul. We made it to Irfan's shop in one piece. The truck, however, needs new shocks."
🏍️
Traffic Cop Pandey
Police Motorcycle · OFFICIAL VEHICLE
"I stopped this vehicle for an ID check. I looked at the passenger. I got distracted. He got away. I'm not proud of this. My supervisor asked what happened. I showed him the Wikipedia article. He transferred me to desk duty."
🏎️
Priya K. (Date gone wrong)
Hyundai i20 · DL XX 8470
"This was supposed to be our second date. I was the driver. He got in. The car dipped 4 inches on his side. The dashboard warning lights spelled 'WHY.' My Bumble review said '6 feet tall.' It didn't mention the other dimensions. I left the app."
🔒 Internal Uber Communications (Leaked)
James (Product Manager) → Engineering
URGENT: The 14.2x surge multiplier is now self-aware. It triggers automatically within a 2km radius of Panshul's GPS. I coded this at 3 AM and I can't undo it. Please advise.
Feb 9, 2026, 3:47 AM
Legal Team → James
Per Sr. Counsel R.K. Mammaswamy's latest filing, we cannot disable the account, cannot refuse rides, and cannot charge surge pricing that exceeds "the Panshul Constant" (14.2). We are, however, allowed to cry about it. Team therapy session moved to Tuesday.
Feb 8, 2026, 2:14 PM
Uber Eats Ops → Logistics
The forklift certification requirement is NOT a joke. After Zomato Boy Akash (moonlighting) dropped a 47-packet milk order, Franchise Head Bansal (Mother Dairy) threatened to pull "brand alignment" sponsorship. Please expedite forklift training for all Lucknow drivers.
Feb 6, 2026, 11:30 AM
Insurance Adjuster Deepak (Lloyd's) → Uber Risk
We insure oil tankers. This is harder. The actuarial model for "Panshul rides" now has its own category between "natural disaster" and "act of God." Life Insurance Agent Verma has been trying to sell us a policy. We're considering it.
Feb 4, 2026, 4:20 PM
🛡️ Safety Recommendation
Based on passenger profile (36DD, 14.2 kg, 47cm span), the following vehicle classifications apply:
UberGo / UberX
NOT POSSIBLE
Uber XL
RECOMMENDED AGAINST
Uber Black
MINIMUM REQUIRED
Uber Helicopter
SUGGESTED
Uber Pool
PERMANENTLY BANNED
Uber Eats (to this address)
FORKLIFT CERT REQUIRED
Per Panshul v. Gravity (2024 SCC 847), Uber cannot refuse service based on mammary dimensions. However, Uber reserves the right to cry about it. Uber Product Manager James exercises this right daily.