Panshulitis Maximus Mammarius

Overview

Panshulitis Maximus Mammarius (PMM) is an unprecedented medical condition characterised by extreme bilateral mammary hypertrophy in a male patient. The condition was first identified in 2019 at Amrita Hospital, Kochi, by Dr. Lakshmi Menon, and is named after its sole known patient, Panshul Jindal (b. 1998, Gurgaon, India).

PMM is so rare that it has a global prevalence of exactly 1 in 8,000,000,000 — meaning there is precisely one case on Earth. The WHO, when presented with the case file for ICD-11 classification, responded via email: "We do not have a category for conditions that should be physically impossible. Please stop submitting this."

Symptoms

PMM presents with a distinctive constellation of symptoms that are, frankly, hard to miss. Healthcare providers should look for the following clinical indicators:

Primary Symptoms

• ⏰
  Temporal Displacement of Chest

  The chest arrives approximately 3 seconds before the head when entering a room. First responders and doorways should be prepared accordingly.

• 🌍
  False Earthquake Alerts

  Seismic sensors within a 50-metre radius register activity between 1.2 and 2.1 on the Richter scale during patient locomotion. The Indian Meteorological Department has issued three false public advisories as a direct result.

• 📫
  Independent Postal Code Eligibility

  The affected area is of sufficient size to qualify for its own postal code under India Post regulations. Application pending (ref: PIN/2024/CHEST-001).

• 👕
  Catastrophic Shirt Failure

  Standard-issue shirts experience button failure within 45 minutes of wear. The patient reports an average button launch velocity of 12 m/s (capable of causing minor bruising at close range).

• 🌊
  Gravitational Field Distortion

  Small objects (pens, phones, chapatis) have been observed gravitating toward the patient's chest. Whether this constitutes a genuine gravitational anomaly or merely "getting caught in the shelf" remains under investigation.

• 🏃
  Momentum-Related Complications

  When the patient stops suddenly, the chest continues moving for an additional 0.8 seconds due to inertial mass. Described by the patient as "deeply embarrassing" and by physicists as "a textbook demonstration of Newton's First Law."

• 🪟
  Doorway Navigation Failure

  Standard doorways (76cm width) are navigable only at specific angles. The patient has developed a characteristic "sideways shuffle" to pass through interior spaces.

• 🪑
  Furniture Collapse Syndrome

  Office chairs, park benches, and dining furniture have all demonstrated structural failure under load. The patient's custom-designed chair (₹2 lakhs, aircraft-grade aluminum) broke in 6 months due to "resonance fatigue."

Symptom Severity Scale

Overall Severity: Critical / Unprecedented / Off All Known Charts

Scale: Mild → Moderate → Severe → Critical → This Has Broken Our Scale (please call engineering)

Secondary Symptoms

• Chronic back pain (classified as "structural, not muscular" by orthopaedics)
• Inability to see own feet while standing upright
• Difficulty passing through standard doorways at certain angles
• Social symptoms: unsolicited staring, unsolicited advice, unsolicited GoFundMe campaigns
• Psychological: "Why me?" episodes (frequency: daily; duration: indefinite)
• Relationship complications: Ex-girlfriend Tanya noted: "I thought there was another woman. There were two of them."

Causes

The cause of Panshulitis Maximus Mammarius is unknown. We need to be very clear about this: it is not "somewhat unknown" or "under investigation." It is completely, utterly, and categorically unknown. It exceeds all known medical models.

Hypotheses Investigated and Eliminated

• Hormonal imbalance: Hormone panels returned normal results. Dr. Chen Wei at Stanford collaborated on verification. There is no hormonal explanation. This makes it worse.
• Genetic mutation: Full genome sequencing by Dr. Malini Sundaram (childhood doctor) revealed no relevant mutations. She said: "Beta, generation skip nahi hua. You ARE the mutation."
• Environmental factors: No environmental exposure can account for this degree of tissue growth. The patient grew up in Gurgaon, not Chernobyl. District Collector Anand Kumar confirmed the Chambal Valley micro-climate disruption was temporary.
• Diet: Standard Indian diet. No unusual food consumption. The "paneer theory" (popularized on social media) has been debunked by Dietician Kavitha Rao: "No, eating less won't help. This isn't fat. This isn't anything we have a word for."
• Medication side effects: Patient was not on any medication at onset. He is now on several — none of which help.
• Ayurvedic causes: Consulted practitioner looked at patient and said "this is above my pay grade." Practitioner's note simply says: "??"
• Homeopathy: The water couldn't remember anything this large.

Unverified Theories

The following theories have been proposed on social media and are included here for completeness, not credibility:

• Divine typographical error — God admitted on Quora (verified account) that "I typed kilograms instead of grams."
• Fibonacci-sequence tissue growth pattern — Dr. Menon's statistician proposed this. Unpublished. Possibly drunk.
• Localized gravitational anomaly — CERN Physicist Dr. Mueller: "The Higgs Boson gives mass to particles. Panshul gives mass to continents."
• Past-life tailor curse — Patient's grandmother's theory. Not retracted.
• Alien implantation — NASA Intern Jake Thompson classified the chest as NEO-2024-PJ (Near-Earth Object).

Diagnosis

Diagnosing PMM is straightforward in the sense that you can see it from across the room. However, formal diagnostic procedures have proven challenging:

Diagnostic Attempts and Outcomes

• Physical Examination: Completed. Three doctors, two measuring tapes (joined end-to-end). Duration: 47 minutes. Conclusion: "Yes, those are real." Physiotherapist Kavitha designed a 47-step exercise routine. Panshul completed 2. Broke a bench.
• MRI Scan: FAILED — Machine returned error: "OBJECT TOO LARGE — PLEASE RECALIBRATE." Dr. Fatima Sheikh (AIIMS Radiologist) thought the machine was broken. Recalibration failed. Wider-bore MRI from veterinary hospital (designed for horses) also failed.
• Ultrasound: Partially successful. Required 3.5 hours to complete full bilateral scan. Nurse Rekha Deshmukh (emergency room) was first to measure. Ruler was too short.
• CT Scan: Completed with modifications. Patient had to be positioned diagonally. Images described as "unprecedented" and "deeply confusing" by radiologists.
• Blood Tests: All normal. Frustratingly, maddeningly normal. Lab Technician Deepak: "Sir, your centre of gravity results came back inconclusive."
• Mammogram: Machine was not designed for this volume of tissue. Compression plates reached maximum aperture and still could not achieve positioning. Unit has since been upgraded "because of one patient."
• X-Ray: Airport Baggage Handler Omar at Narita: "The X-ray showed something we don't have training for."
• Visual Diagnosis: Zomato Delivery Boy Akash: "Navigation said 300m but I could see the chest from 2km away."

Treatment

There is currently no known cure for Panshulitis Maximus Mammarius. Treatment is entirely supportive and focused on management rather than resolution.

Current Management Protocol

• Industrial-Grade Support: Custom 7-hook titanium-alloy support garment (developed with IIT Delhi and Tata Steel). This is the primary intervention. It does not reduce the condition — it merely prevents catastrophic structural failure of the patient's spine. Cost: ₹47,000 per unit. Replacement: every 6 months.
• Physical Therapy: Daily back-strengthening exercises. Physiotherapist Kavitha described the regimen as "more intense than what I prescribe for construction workers." Dr. Priya Nair (physiotherapist) quit after one session: "My hands aren't that strong."
• Pain Management: Standard analgesics for chronic back pain. Dr. Arun Joshi (sports medicine) recommended upgrading to "whatever they give to bridges."
• Psychological Support: Weekly counselling sessions. Therapist reports "making progress, but it's hard to address body image issues when the body in question is genuinely unprecedented."
• Seismic Monitoring: Dr. Kenji Tanaka (Japan seismologist) has tracked 23 "Panshul events." Patient now required to notify IMD before "vigorous physical activity."

Treatments Attempted and Failed

• Hormone therapy — no effect (hormones are normal, remember?)
• Compression garments — three garments destroyed in first week. Laundry Guy Pappu charges extra: "Bra press karne ke extra charge. Industrial iron chahiye."
• Dietary modification — no effect (it was never about diet)
• Ayurvedic treatment — practitioner looked at patient and said "this is above my pay grade"
• Homeopathy — the water couldn't remember anything this large
• Surgical reduction — deemed "too risky" by five separate surgical teams. Dr. Roberto Santos (Brazilian plastic surgeon): "Even I can't help here. I've helped everyone." Dr. Vladimir Petrov: "In Soviet Russia, chest lifts you." One team described the procedure as "trying to renovate a building while people are still inside it."
• Lactation Consultant: Mrs. D'Souza was called by mistake. Left crying. "I'm not qualified for this."
• Chinese Acupuncture: Dr. Wei: "I cannot find the meridian points. They've shifted."
• Brazilian Wax: Fernanda: "I've seen everything in my career. I hadn't seen this."

Living With PMM

Patient quality of life varies significantly based on support infrastructure, social environment, and daily activities. Key considerations:

Daily Life Modifications

• Seating: All chairs must be reinforced. Restaurant Owner Khan Sahab (Tunday Kebabi): "He sat down. The chair became art." Standard furniture is a liability.
• Sleep: Specialized mattress with enhanced support zones. Panshul's dog Biscuit keeps trying to sleep on the chest. Has fallen off 47 times.
• Clothing: 94% of commercially available shirts are inadequate. Tailor Mohammad Irfan (Chandni Chowk) is the only provider. "42 years, never seen this." His wife Shabnam reports he "wakes up screaming about underwire. It's been 2 years."
• Travel: Banned from 4 airlines. Narita Airport Security Chief Yamamoto wrote a 14-page ban letter. Air Hostess Priti: "Sir, your chest is in 14B. You're in 14A."
• Exercise: Limited. Gym Trainer Ravi (Cult.fit) quit on Day 1: "I can't spot someone whose chest outweighs the barbell." Yoga Instructor Geeta Devi: "Shavasana only. Other asanas are structurally impossible."
• Food Service: Swiggy Driver Ravi delivered food to "Panshul's Left Tit, Lucknow." Thought it was a restaurant name.
• Social: Building Contractor Harish reinforced the bedroom floor using bridge specifications. Watchman Shankar salutes the chest separately. Old habit.

Prognosis

The condition shows no signs of stabilisation. Based on longitudinal measurements taken over 8 years (2016–2024), the growth trajectory is as follows:

Short-term prognosis (1-5 years): Continued gradual growth. Increased support garment requirements. Possible need for reinforced furniture. Hotel Concierge Fernandes (Taj) notes: "Presidential suite only. King size bed is... inadequate."

Medium-term prognosis (5-20 years): At current growth rate, the formations will reach navel height by approximately 2045. At this point, reclassification from "breast tissue" to "torso-spanning anatomical feature" may be appropriate. CERN Physicist Dr. Mueller is monitoring for "critical mass."

Long-term prognosis (20+ years): Unknown. No medical model exists to predict the trajectory of a condition this unprecedented. IIT Moob-bay PhD Student Rahul is still ABD (All But Dissertation) on his thesis: "Mammary Mechanics in Non-Newtonian Frameworks."

Risk Assessment

When to See a Doctor

While PMM is currently a one-patient condition, WebMD recommends consulting a healthcare provider if you experience any of the following:

• Your chest has its own postal code (or could reasonably apply for one)
• Standard MRI machines display error messages when scanning your torso
• Your walking generates readings on nearby seismographs (ask Dr. Kenji Tanaka)
• You require more than 4 hooks on any support garment
• Small objects begin orbiting your chest area
• Your shirt buttons have been classified as projectile weapons
• Strangers ask if you're "expecting" and you are a man
• Victoria's Secret refuses to serve you (and you are a man)
• Your insurance company creates a new exclusion category named after you (Insurance Adjuster Vineet Kapoor did this)
• A structural engineer expresses professional concern about your skeleton (Priya Reddy, P.E. has done this)
• Your passport photo is rejected because "face ratio violates norms" (Passport Officer Sunita Devi)
• Census officers spend 45 minutes arguing whether to count "them" separately (Census Officer Pankaj)

Patient Stories

Real accounts from those living with or around PMM:

Frequently Asked Questions

Is PMM contagious?

No. Unless you count the emotional distress of witnesses, which several therapists have argued should count. Panshul's roommate Vikram "Vicky" Malhotra thought it was a weighted blanket for 3 months. Still paying therapy bills.

Can PMM be inherited?

The patient's mother claims it's "from his father's side." His father Rajesh Jindal denies this. Cousin Rohit Jindal is "flat as a chapati." Family reunions are tense. Genetic testing is inconclusive.

Is PMM covered by insurance?

No. Every major Indian insurance provider has explicitly excluded PMM from coverage. Lloyd's of London described the risk profile as "uninsurable." Insurance Adjuster Deepak: "We insure oil tankers and skyscrapers. This is beyond both." Attorney General Krishnamurthy: "If we compensate for gravity, we must compensate bald men for UV radiation."

Can I donate to research?

Yes. The AIIMS Panshulitis Research Unit accepts donations. The GoFundMe campaign has raised ₹4.7 Cr for legal defense and structural support. Target: ₹47 Cr. Future Biographer Ananya is writing "Tits: A Memoir" with a ₹4.7 crore advance.

Can Panshul breastfeed?

This question has generated significant medical and ethical debate. The short answer: technically possible (the tissue is functional), but practically inadvisable. Lactation Consultant Mrs. D'Souza, called by mistake, left crying: "I'm not qualified for this." The question has been banned on three medical forums.

Has anyone tried to steal/buy the chest?

UAE Sheikh Mohammed (Anonymous, but we know) offered ₹47 Cr to "buy the chest as modern art." Declined. Russian Oligarch Dmitri: "I buy. Name price. My yacht needs ballast." Also declined. The chest is not for sale.

Is there a support group?

Yes. Several:

• Victoria's Secret Fitting Specialists Trauma Group (closed)
• International Customs Officers Panshul Encounter Support (14 members)
• IIT Moob-bay PhD Support Group (mostly for Rahul, still ABD)
• r/PanshulStudies (47,000 members)

What about his cat?

Newton (the cat, named ironically) treats the chest as its personal gravity well. Has adapted. Confused Cat "Chintu" from the colony also sleeps on the chest and has "lost sense of gravity." Street Dog Tommy is the only animal that didn't run away. Now guards the chest. It's an ecosystem.