The Unbearable Weight of Being

(Panshul walks onto stage. The stage creaks. The seismograph in the wings flickers. Structural engineer Priya Reddy radios from the tech booth: "Stage load at 73%. Proceed with caution.")

Good evening. What if I told you... that the real weight was the friends we made along the way?

(Laughter)

No. The real weight is 14.2 kilograms. It has been peer-reviewed. It bends spacetime. And during soundcheck this morning, it set off this building's earthquake early warning system.

(Loud laughter)

Two fire trucks came. Full emergency response. A firefighter looked at me, looked at his seismograph, and said — "Sir, you ARE the earthquake."

(Applause)

So I want to apologise to the Moobai fire department. And to this stage, which has a maximum load rating of 500 kilograms. Between me, this podium, and these — (gestures at chest) — we are in what engineers call "the zone of concern."

People always ask me: "Panshul, what's it like?" What's what like? Living? Having a body that has been classified as a near-Earth object by NASA? Having a body that made a metal detector's compass just... spin?

(Laughter)

I didn't apply for gravitational anomaly status. There was no form. Although, knowing India, if there had been a form, it would have been in triplicate, and I would have needed it notarised by both my chest AND my tailor.

(Laughter)

(Pause. Quieter.)

The Supreme Court ruled on this, by the way. Panshul v. Gravity, 2024 SCC 847. My chest is now a permanent geographical feature. Jai and Veeru — left and right, respectively — each have their own PAN card. I file three tax returns. I am technically a small joint family.

(Laughter, applause)

I want to talk about my tailor. Irfan. Irfan from Lucknow. The only man certified to construct a 7-hook industrial bra. He learned from his father, who learned it from nobody, because nobody has ever needed one before.

Underwire: titanium, soon to be vanadium. Straps: 4.2 centimetres. Standard bras use 6mm. Mine could anchor a small boat.

I brought it tonight.

(Panshul produces the 7-hook industrial bra from a reinforced bag. Stage lights glint off the titanium hooks.)

(Standing ovation. 47 seconds.)

(Panshul holds the bra. He is visibly emotional.)

This is what support looks like. Seven hooks. Titanium underwire. And one man in Lucknow who never said no.

To everyone who carries something heavy — the weight is real. In my case, 14.2 kilograms, confirmed by peer-reviewed research. But the weight doesn't have to define you. It can ground you.

We do not choose the chests we are given. We choose how we carry them.

Thank you.

(Standing ovation. 2 minutes, 14 seconds. The earthquake warning system activates. Nobody cares.)

Audience member: What advice would you give to young people struggling with body image?

Panshul: File your body as a separate tax entity. It simplifies everything.

(Laughter)

Audience member: Has NASA tried to contact your chest directly?

Panshul: They send a weekly ping. Jai responds. Veeru maintains radio silence. Classic Veeru.

(Laughter)

Audience member: If your chest seceded from India, what would its GDP be?

Panshul: Based on the Zillow valuation alone, higher than 14 sovereign nations. My tailor Irfan would be Minister of Infrastructure. The cat would be head of state. Honestly? Better governance than most places.

(The moderator cuts the Q&A short after an audience member asks if the chest has considered running for Parliament.)