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The Official Subreddit for India — Now 60% mammary discourse by volume
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⚠️ This is NOT a medical subreddit. This is NOT a bra subreddit. This is NOT an engineering subreddit.
We've had to remove 4,847 comments asking for Panshul's cup size, 2,103 comments offering home remedies, 891 DMs from Victoria's Secret's legal team, 47 marriage proposals (for the chest, not the man), and one attempted kidnapping by a "freelance mammographer" from Pune. Please remember: Rule 2 — No doxxing mammary measurements. The mod team consists of 4 unpaid volunteers who moderate a COUNTRY subreddit. We are not equipped, trained, or psychologically stable enough for this.
UPDATE: The r/science crosspost has been locked after three Nobel laureates started arguing in the comments. The r/AbsoluteUnits crosspost crashed their server. r/LegalAdviceIndia has a 200-comment thread on whether this qualifies for disability benefits. r/india mod u/bangalore_traffic_guy has resigned citing "I did not volunteer for this." We are recruiting new mods. Requirements: emotional resilience, engineering background (preferred).
UPDATE 2: We are aware the post has been cited in a peer-reviewed paper. We are aware UNESCO has received a nomination. We are aware the WebMD article exists. We cannot process any of this. Please stop sending us links.
UPDATE 3: The Supreme Court of India has officially cited this Reddit thread in their ruling on Panshul Jindal v. Gravity (2024). Justice A.K. Boobesh wrote: "The court takes judicial notice of the Reddit discourse, which it finds, regrettably, more thorough than the defense's submissions." We are the first subreddit to be entered as legal evidence. Our lawyer says we should be proud. We are not proud. We are terrified.
UPDATE 4: NASA has classified this thread as a "cultural observation of interest" relating to object NEO-2024-PJ. NASA Intern Jake Thompson, who originally detected the chest via satellite, posted in the comments below. He has been placed on administrative leave. We are sorry, Jake. We didn't ask for any of this.
This guy wore a bra to go snowboarding and I have questions
🥇 Gold ×14
🤗 Wholesome ×47
💀 Deceased ×33
🦭 Seal ×9
🏔️ Everest ×2
🍼 Lactation ×1
⚗️ Ternion ×3
🌋 Seismic ×1
Okay Reddit, I need someone to explain what I'm looking at. My cousin sent me this photo from Gulmarg and I genuinely can't tell if this is photoshopped or if this man has discovered a new branch of physics. He's wearing a SPORTS BRA on the slopes. Not as a joke. For STRUCTURAL SUPPORT. The ski patrol reportedly asked him to sign a liability waiver "for the mountain."
I have several questions:
1. Where does one even buy a bra for this situation?
2. Is there a Richter scale for chest-related events?
3. Why does he look so confident?
4. Has Newton's third law been amended?
5. Why is his Wikipedia article longer than India's?
Someone in the replies said he's "banned from three international airports" and honestly I believe it. Someone else said he has an Amazon listing for his bra and the reviews are insane. Also his LinkedIn profile describes him as a "Category 5 Chest Event" and he has more followers than Sundar Pichai??
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Nothing in my career has prepared me for this photo.
I ran the numbers. At that mass and velocity on a 30° slope, the centripetal force on that bra during a turn exceeds the tensile strength of commercial-grade elastic by a factor of 4.7. This man isn't snowboarding. He's conducting a live stress test that would fail any engineering review board.
Fun fact: I'm the one who designed his custom chair (₹2 lakhs, broke in 6 months). I used BRIDGE SPECIFICATIONS. I used the same load calculations I used for a pedestrian overpass in Bhopal. The chair failed because I didn't account for dynamic loading during sneezes. Yes. Sneezes.
Whoever made that bra deserves a Padma Shri. Or a prison sentence. I genuinely can't decide.
Edit: Someone linked the Amazon listing for this bra and it's classified under "Industrial & Scientific." I can't stop laughing. I also can't stop crying.
Edit 2: I've been informed that the Supreme Court cited my load-bearing calculations in their judgment. My bridge designs were never cited in court. A BRA was. This is my legacy now.
Things I learned dating a man with a 36DD chest:
1. You will never win the "who needs the mirror more" argument
2. Spooning requires an engineering degree. Big spoon? His chest is in the way. Little spoon? His chest IS the spoon. There is no position in which geometry cooperates
3. Every restaurant booth is a negotiation with physics
4. He once knocked a waiter's entire tray off with a turn. The waiter didn't even get mad. He just stood there processing what had happened to his life
5. His tailor called ME to ask if I was okay
6. I once wore one of his bras as a joke and I could fit both my legs through one cup
7. His chest has its own weather system. I am not exaggerating. In humid conditions, there is a MICROCLIMATE
8. We broke up because he got more attention from men than I did. I'm not even joking. Uncles at weddings would bypass me entirely to ask him what brand of protein powder he used
Panshul, if you're reading this: I'm sorry I left. I wasn't strong enough. Neither was your IKEA bed frame, if we're being honest.
Edit: He DMed me. He said "fair." I respect that.
Edit 2: My current boyfriend just read this and asked "was his chest really bigger than mine?" and now I have to go deal with THAT.
I'm on the gondola going up to phase 2 and this dude gets on wearing a ski jacket that's open at the front and he's got this... I don't even know how to describe it. It was like someone had strapped two regulation-size basketballs to a human man and told him to go skiing. The jacket couldn't close. The zipper had given up, metaphorically and structurally.
An old Kashmiri man next to me saw my face and said, in perfect English: "First time?"
The dude was so CASUAL about it. He was just vibing. Eating a chocolate bar. His chest was fogging up the gondola window from body heat alone. I took a video and my wife back home in Milwaukee thinks I photoshopped it. She showed it to her book club. The book club has been arguing about it for three days.
I came to India to find myself. I found something else entirely.
Edit: Someone told me there's a WebMD article about this man's condition?? WHAT IS HAPPENING
Edit 2: THE BOOK CLUB HAS A NAME NOW. They're calling themselves "The Milwaukee Mammary Investigation Society." Sandra has created a shared Google Doc with 14 pages of "evidence." My wife told me to stop coming home until I "have answers." I DON'T HAVE ANSWERS. NOBODY HAS ANSWERS.
1. Panshul Jindal was born in Gurgaon, which is located on the 28th parallel. You know what else is on the 28th parallel? The Bermuda Triangle's northern boundary. Coincidence? 🤔
2. 14.2 kg = 142 hectograms. 142 reversed is 241. Flight 241 was a cargo plane that disappeared over the Indian Ocean in 1978 carrying "experimental textile samples." WHAT WAS ON THAT PLANE?
3. His chest started growing in 2010. What else happened in 2010? The Large Hadron Collider reached 7 TeV. They opened a portal and SOMETHING came through and it went INTO THIS MAN'S CHEST
4. The UNESCO nomination? That's the globalists trying to get legal jurisdiction over his body. WAKE UP
5. Why does the Amazon listing for his bra cost ₹24,999? Because 2+4+9+9+9 = 33. 33 degrees of Freemasonry. THE MASONS ARE INVOLVED
6. Victoria's Secret is just a front for MI6. "Victoria's SECRET." THE SECRET IS HIS CHEST
7. The TEDx talk was filmed at EXACTLY 14:20 local time. 14.2 kg. THIS IS A SIGNAL.
8. NASA classified it as NEO-2024-PJ. NEO = "New Earth Object." His chest is literally being treated as A NEW EARTH. THEY'RE PLANNING COLONIZATION.
I've mapped it all out on a corkboard in my room. My mother asked me to come down for dinner and I told her the TRUTH CAN'T WAIT.
Edit: My mother has unplugged the wifi. She says I need to "go outside." The establishment is silencing me.
Edit 2: I'm now posting from my neighbour's wifi. THEY CANNOT STOP ME
Edit 3: I've been contacted by the producers of a Netflix documentary. They want my corkboard as a visual. THE TRUTH IS GOING MAINSTREAM. MOM, ARE YOU WATCHING?
We know about this man.
There's an internal file. It's code-named "Project Himalaya." After the incident at our flagship store in Mumbai (2023), where he tried on 14 bras in 45 minutes and broke every single one, we had to convene an emergency board meeting. The CEO personally called our textile lab in Sri Lanka at 3 AM.
The official internal memo reads: "The subject represents a structural challenge beyond the scope of current engineering. Recommend classification as a natural disaster for insurance purposes."
Our stock dropped 2.3% on the day this photo went viral. That is not a coincidence. The Bloomberg terminal screenshot is making the rounds in our Slack. Someone in Finance wrote "we got Jindal'd" and it's now an official internal term for unexpected chest-related losses.
I'm posting this because the world deserves to know. It was one man.
Edit: My manager just walked by. If this account goes silent, tell my story.
Edit 2: Account still live. Manager went to get coffee. I'm adding more: the former CEO resigned after "The Measurement Incident." She runs a goat farm now. I am not making this up. The Forbes article about the industry disruption is real. We are a trillion-dollar industry brought to our knees by one man's chest. Think about that.
When this man went through the full-body scanner, every monitor on our floor lit up simultaneously. My supervisor Security Chief Yamamoto — a man who has worked airport security for 31 years, who has seen EVERYTHING — he looked at the scan, looked at the man, looked back at the scan, and said one word in English: "Why."
We evacuated the terminal. Not because we thought it was a bomb. But because the scan results triggered an automatic DEFCON protocol that hadn't been activated since 2007. The system literally could not categorize what it was seeing. It kept classifying the chest area as "large dense metallic object."
The man was very polite about the whole thing. He said it happens every time he flies. EVERY. TIME. He had a laminated card in his wallet from AIIMS that said "THIS PERSON HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION — CHEST MASS IS ORGANIC AND NON-THREATENING." A LAMINATED CARD. Like a frequent flyer pass, but for his tits.
Yamamoto-san wrote the 14-page ban letter PERSONALLY. Fourteen pages. For context, the 9/11 incident response memo was 8 pages. This man's chest generated more administrative paperwork than an act of terrorism.
Yamamoto-san retired the following month. His exit interview was one sentence: "I have seen things I cannot explain and I would like to go home now."
Edit: The Supreme Court ruling cites the Narita incident as Exhibit C. Yamamoto-san was asked to testify via video. He declined. His lawyer sent a doctor's note that said "client suffers from Panshul-related PTSD."
For the first 3 months I genuinely thought he kept a weighted blanket on his bed at all times. Like one of those anxiety blankets. Then one night I came home late, turned on the light, and realized the "blanket" was attached to him. I stood in the doorway for what I estimate was 45 seconds just... recalibrating my understanding of human anatomy.
Things that happened during our cohabitation:
1. He broke the towel rack. Not by pulling on it. By WALKING PAST IT.
2. I couldn't use the bathroom after him because the mirror was always fogged from chest-generated body heat
3. He turned over in his sleep once and the bed MOVED. Not creaked. MOVED. Across the floor. 3 inches.
4. He had to eat at the desk because the hostel dining chairs couldn't accommodate the approach angle
5. Hostel Warden Mishra gave him a single room after my claustrophobia complaint. Mishra told me privately: "Beta, I've been warden for 22 years. This is the first time a student's CHEST has been given its own accommodation."
I'm still paying therapy bills. The therapist asked me to describe what I saw and I showed her this Reddit post. She's now subscribed to r/india. This is what Panshul does. He converts people.
Edit: Panshul just texted me "bro you gave me 3 months, that's more than most people can handle. Respect." I love this man. I am TERRIFIED of his chest. But I love this man.
This is harder.
Complaints filed with the RWA about this one resident:
• Mrs. Khurana (B-404): "Structural vibrations from next door" — 14 complaints since January
• The flat below: Aquarium fish dying from "repeated seismic disturbance." Vet confirmed stress patterns consistent with earthquake exposure
• Electrician Guptaji: Filed a formal report that the ceiling fan in Panshul's room "has to work twice as hard" due to what he describes as a "localized gravitational disturbance"
• Watchman Shankar: Has been saluting the chest separately. I've told him it's ONE person and ONE salute. He says his training doesn't cover this
• Municipal Corporation Official Tiwari: Tried to classify the chest as "commercial property" for higher property tax. I had to write a formal letter to the municipal commissioner explaining that a man's chest is not a commercial establishment
I've called an emergency RWA meeting 4 times about this. The last one ended with me shouting "THIS IS A RESIDENTIAL SOCIETY, NOT A SEISMIC ZONE" and then I had to go sit in my car for 20 minutes.
I survived Kargil. I'm not sure I'll survive this.
Edit: Building Contractor Harish has sent me a quote for reinforcing the entire B-block foundation. ₹47 lakhs. Because of ONE man's chest. I'm forwarding this to the Supreme Court as evidence for our insurance claim.
Before you ask: yes, I'm on administrative leave. Yes, it's because of this. No, I don't regret it.
Here's what happened: I was running routine ATLAS survey data at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory when our tracking system flagged an anomalous mass signature in the Indian subcontinent. The initial readings were consistent with a dense metallic object approximately 47 cm in diameter. I followed protocol and filed it as a Near-Earth Object.
It was not a Near-Earth Object. It was a man's chest.
By the time we figured this out, the object had already been assigned a tracking number, entered into three international databases, and triggered an automated alert to the European Space Agency. The ESA called us and asked "why is your new asteroid moving at walking speed through a residential neighborhood in Gurgaon?"
ISRO Satellite Analyst Priya Nair confirmed independently that ASTROSAT-2 had also detected it. She thought it was a mountain forming. It was not a mountain. It was Panshul going to buy milk.
My supervisor said "Jake, you classified a man's chest as a celestial body" and I said "sir, in my defense, it has its own gravitational field" and he said "go home."
I am now at home. Browsing Reddit. Reading about the chest I accidentally added to NASA's asteroid database. This was not in the internship description.
Edit: Dr. R.K. Sharma's paper cites my NEO classification. I'm a published source. Technically. Kind of. My career is over in one dimension and thriving in another. Much like Panshul's chest.
None of that prepared me for Berth 14, Coach B2, Rajdhani Express Delhi-Lucknow.
This man booked a lower berth. Fine. Normal. But the upper berth passenger filed a complaint at 11:47 PM. I went to investigate. The complaint was: "There is a bouncing from below that is making it impossible to sleep."
I leaned down to check the lower berth. The man was SLEEPING. Not moving. Just breathing. But each breath was creating a oscillation that was transferring through the berth frame to the upper berth. The upper berth was swaying like a hammock in a monsoon. The passenger above looked like he was on a ship.
I called the Station Master at Kanpur. He said "give him the entire coupe." I said "sir, the coupe has 4 berths." He said "I KNOW. Give him all 4. And charge for 1. Indian Railways cannot handle the paperwork if someone falls off the upper berth because of a man's breathing."
He now books the entire coupe every time. DGCA Officer Ashwin told me the airlines have similar rules. Aisle seat only. Window seat is classified as a "flight hazard" because if he turns toward the window, the weight shift affects the aircraft trim.
Edit: Someone asked if I filed an official incident report. Yes. The form asks for "Nature of Complaint." I wrote "Gravitational." The system rejected it. I had to write "Other." There is no category for this.
He walked in for his trial session. I said "what are your fitness goals?" He said "I want to do chest day." I said "great, what's your current bench press?" He said "the bar can't reach my chest." I thought he was joking. HE WAS NOT JOKING. His chest is so large that the barbell physically cannot descend to contact his pectorals. He bench presses in a 6-inch range of motion. His pecs are behind his other pecs. There are LAYERS.
I tried a jumping jack. The impact cracked the rubber flooring. I called the gym owner. I said "sir I am not qualified for this." He said "nobody is." We both sat in silence for a full minute.
I now work at a yoga studio. Yoga Instructor Ananya told me he came there too. She said "Shavasana only. All other asanas are structurally impossible." Downward dog? The chest touches the ground before the hands do. Cobra pose? We don't talk about cobra pose. She quit the next week. He's been through 4 fitness professionals in 2 years. He's not even difficult — he's very polite. His chest is the problem. His chest is ALWAYS the problem.
Last month, I filed an RTI with the Government of India asking: "What is being done about this chest?"
Here is the OFFICIAL government response, verbatim:
The file has been circulating between 4 ministries for 7 months. It has accumulated 342 pages of notings. The most recent noting, from a Joint Secretary in the Ministry of Textiles, reads: "Undersigned is of the opinion that this matter exceeds the scope of all existing government departments. Recommend creation of new ministry."
I am now filing an RTI about the RTI. This is what Panshul's chest has done to Indian bureaucracy. It has created a RECURSIVE LOOP.
Edit: Court Clerk Dinesh from the Supreme Court case DMed me. He says the court file is 847 pages and he developed carpal tunnel typing it. We are bonding over our shared Panshul-related repetitive strain injuries.
I know because I'm the PhD student who was supposed to CO-AUTHOR it. My thesis was "Mammary Mechanics in Non-Newtonian Frameworks." I've been ABD (All But Dissertation) for 3 years because my advisor, Prof. Dr. R.K. Sharma at IIT Moob-bay, keeps moving the goalposts.
First it was "the data needs more rigor." Then it was "replicate the Narita seismic readings." Then it was "have you considered the Chandrayaan trajectory implications?" SIR, I AM WRITING ABOUT A MAN'S CHEST, NOT CHARTING A COURSE TO THE MOON.
Key findings from the paper:
• Subject's chest generates a localized gravitational field measurable at 3 meters
• Standard elastic deforms at 2.3× expected rate in proximity
• The "Jindal Constant" (J = 14.2 kg·m⁻²) has been proposed as a new SI-adjacent unit
• Three reviewers quit during peer review citing "emotional distress"
• MIT Prof. David Chen published a counter-paper claiming the measurements were exaggerated. He got 0 citations. Dr. Sharma got 847.
The WebMD page now cites our paper which means WEBMD IS CITING A REDDIT-ADJACENT RESEARCH PAPER about one man's gravitational chest anomaly. The circle of knowledge has become a Möbius strip and I want to get off.
Edit: The paper has been cited 847 times in 3 weeks. That's more than most papers get in a decade. My PhD advisor read this paper before reading my thesis draft. I have 0 words and ₹0 in career prospects.
Until that day.
He came to me for a lesson and I said sure. Then he took off his jacket. I looked at what was underneath and I said — and I am not proud of this — "Sir, I am not insured for this."
The centre of gravity was wrong. Everything I know about teaching balance was useless because the balance point was not where a human balance point should be. He was essentially skiing with two medicine balls attached to his front. Every turn was a potential avalanche trigger.
The ski patrol gave him his own radio frequency. Not for safety communication. For TRACKING. They needed to know where he was on the mountain at all times so they could warn other skiers.
He was actually a pretty good skier, all things considered. Which made it worse somehow.
We only took the policy because our CEO owed Panshul's father a favor from college. This favor has cost us approximately ₹47 crore in claims, actuarial recalculations, and therapy for the claims team.
"Act of Panshul" is now an exclusion clause in our policy documents. I'm not joking. It's right there between "Act of God" and "Act of War." The legal definition, as drafted by Sr. Counsel R.K. Mammaswamy (yes, that's really his name), reads:
Insurance Adjuster Deepak at Lloyd's of London told me they had the same problem. He said: "We insure oil tankers. This is harder." Lloyd's eventually took the chest policy at ₹14.2 crore. We insure everything ELSE. Together, we are the only two entities on Earth willing to cover this man. We have a support group. It meets on Thursdays.
Edit: Life Insurance Agent Verma from LIC tried to write a life policy. His actuarial tables don't go this far. He called me crying. I invited him to the Thursday group.
He sat in the back and the auto was doing wheelie. WHEELIE. Like a Bullet bike. The front wheel lifted 6 inches off the ground because all the weight shifted to the back seat. I thought the auto was broken. He said "bhaiya, ye hamesha hota hai" (this always happens). HAMESHA. This happens ALWAYS?????
I had to ask him to lean forward the entire ride. He was leaning forward and the auto STILL wasn't level. I dropped him and checked my suspension. Suspension was crying. I am charging double from now.
Uber Driver Raju told me he cancelled the ride after the app showed the weight load was registering as 3 passengers. Uber Product Manager James apparently personally coded a 14.2x surge exception just for Panshul's account. The ride-share industry has been PERMANENTLY ALTERED by this one customer.
"Bhai 8th class mein hi pata chal gaya tha." That's what I've been telling everyone. We KNEW in 8th standard. PE Teacher Mr. Saxena took one look during fitness testing, put down his clipboard, and walked out of the gymnasium. He resigned the next week. He hasn't been seen since. "Some things you can't un-see," he told the principal.
In Class 9, the PE teacher's replacement made him run the 100m dash for sports day. He came 3rd. Not because he was slow. Because the physics teacher pulled him aside mid-race to take measurements for a "personal project."
In Class 11, he wore a kurta on ethnic day and three aunties from the PTA asked him if he needed "a nice girl's number." He was 17. They were concerned about SUPPORT, not romance.
At the farewell party, the yearbook committee had to take his photo from a specific angle because the standard portrait crop cut off important... area. His yearbook quote was: "I carry the weight of the world on my chest." We thought it was a metaphor. It was not a metaphor.
His LinkedIn now says "IIT Moob-bay (Honorary)." When we were in school, his only ambition was to be "normal." Now he has 47 million LinkedIn followers and a TEDx talk called "The Weight of Authenticity (Literally)." Life comes at you fast. Sometimes with 14.2 kg of chest.
I was there to review the food. I ended up reviewing his chest. 5 stars. Presentation: unmatched. Portion size: devastating. Would I return? I cannot stop returning. I go to that restaurant now specifically to see if he'll come back. He hasn't. But the chair is still there. Restaurant Owner Khan Sahab has put a small placard on it: "Panshul Sat Here. 2024." It's become a tourist attraction.
Zomato Delivery Boy Akash told me navigation said 300m to the restaurant but he could see Panshul's chest from 2km away and used it as a landmark. "Better than GPS," he said. He wasn't wrong.
I need to tell you what this man's chest has done to my family.
My husband was a NORMAL tailor. He made kurtas. He made sherwanis. He was happy. He came home at 6 PM. We had dinner. We watched TV. Normal life.
Then Panshul Jindal walked into his shop in 2021 and nothing has been the same since.
Irfan now wakes up screaming about underwire. It's been 2 YEARS. He shouts "THE SEVENTH HOOK WON'T HOLD" in his sleep. I had to explain to our children (8 and 11) why Papa is having nightmares about bras. Try explaining THAT to an 8-year-old.
His apprentice, Munna, quit on Day 3 of the 7-hook project. He works at Domino's now. He says making pizza is "less stressful than what I saw in that workshop." HE WAS MAKING CLOTHES. HOW IS PIZZA LESS STRESSFUL THAN CLOTHES?
The shop has been renamed from "Irfan's Tailoring & Tent Services" to "Irfan's Lucknow Engineering Works." My husband is now on LinkedIn. A TAILOR. ON LINKEDIN. He has 42,000 followers. He was invited to speak at TEDx. He declined. He said "I cannot relive it publicly."
The Amazon listing for the bra is the only reason we can afford our children's school fees. So I am grateful. But I am also BROKEN. My husband used to make beautiful sherwanis. Now he makes Category 5 containment devices. This is my life.
Edit: Irfan just read this comment. He hugged me. Then he said "Shabnam, the 8th hook prototype is almost ready." I don't know whether to laugh or call a divorce lawyer.
But THE LINKEDIN COMMENTS are the real gold. Every HR influencer in India has posted their "Panshul's chest taught me about RESILIENCE" hot take. One woman posted "Today I learned from Panshul that carrying weight is not a burden — it's a brand strategy 🙏💪 #Hustle #ChestDay" and it has 47,000 likes. Another guy wrote a 2,000-word post about how "Panshul's 7-hook bra closure system has CHANGED how I think about stakeholder management."
LinkedIn is not okay. Corporate India is not okay. Nothing is okay.
Also the Naukri.com listing for "Bra Engineer — Structural Division" at Irfan's workshop has received 14,200 applications. From ACTUAL engineers. IIT graduates. This chest has created an INDUSTRY.
First: "Beta, ye tera papa ke side se aaya hai." I have been saying this from the beginning. His father's side of the family. Panshul's Dadi (grandmother) claims the great-grandmother had the same "gift." There is no evidence. She also claims the family is descended from Maharaja Ranjit Singh. There is also no evidence of this. Dadi says many things.
His father (Rajesh Jindal) is flat-chested. Completely. He is genuinely confused by the genetics. He went to Family Doctor Kapoor Uncle who said: "Beta, generation skip nahi hua. You ARE the mutation."
About the SEBI investigator who mentioned my trading: Yes, I buy elastic futures. In BULK. A mother must be PREPARED. Do you know how many bras this boy goes through? 14 last year alone. At ₹25,000 each. That is ₹3.5 lakhs on BRAS. The elastic futures are SELF-DEFENSE.
I have read all the comments. I laughed at the ex-girlfriend's post. I cried at the tailor's wife's post. I felt personally attacked by the Quora post where God apologizes.
To all of you: my son is a good boy. He pays his rent. He calls every Sunday. He carries 14.2 kg on his chest every day without complaining. If you have a problem with his chest, take it up with gravity. Or with his father's mother's aunt. I am washing my hands of this.
Edit: Neighbor Aunty Pushpa just called me. She saw this Reddit post. She asked "Kya khilaya mummy ne? Doodh ka bharosa nahi raha." (What did you feed him? Can't trust milk anymore.) I am hanging up on her.
For the record:
• Yes, they're real
• Yes, I need a bra
• No, I will not be taking questions at this time
• Yes, I'm available for brand deals
• To my ex (Priya): I forgive you. The IKEA bed was already weak when we got it
• To Sneha from Bumble: sorry about the coffee date. I should have warned you
• To the conspiracy theorist: the Large Hadron Collider thing is a new one, I'll give you that
• To Col. Bhatia: sorry about the fish. And the building. And your blood pressure
• To Vicky: you lasted 3 months. That's a record. Love you bhai
• To Kevin from Wisconsin: welcome to India. Tell the book club I said hi
• To God (on Quora): apology accepted. The ₹69 was a nice touch
• To Mom: IT IS PAPA'S SIDE. I have the genetic analysis to prove it. We can discuss at dinner
• To Jake from NASA: I'm sorry about your internship. If it helps, I'm honored to be a Near-Earth Object
• To Shabnam bhabhi: tell Irfan the 8th hook is a GREAT idea and I will fund the R&D
• To Victoria's Secret: I accept your apology. And your settlement offer. Call me
• To the Supreme Court of India: I am available to testify whenever. The courtroom just needs to be reinforced first.
Check the Amazon reviews if you want the full story of the bra. Check WebMD if you want to know what's wrong with me (spoiler: they don't know either). Check my TEDx talk if you want inspiration. Check the Wikipedia article if you want to lose an entire afternoon.
Edit: Three Ternions. I can now afford another bra. Thank you, kind strangers. You've funded approximately 72 hours of structural support.
Edit 2: My mother is now on Reddit. I repeat. MY MOTHER IS NOW ON REDDIT. This is the worst thing to happen to me since the Narita Airport incident. I need to go delete my browser history. Not because of anything bad. Because she'll see my Tinder profile and I am NOT having that conversation today.