r/india

I dated Panshul for 11 months in 2019. Things I learned dating a man with a 36DD chest:

1. Spooning requires an engineering degree. Big spoon? His chest is in the way. Little spoon? His chest IS the spoon. There is no position in which geometry cooperates
2. He once knocked a waiter's entire tray off with a turn. The waiter didn't even get mad. He just stood there processing what had happened to his life
3. I once wore one of his bras as a joke and I could fit both my legs through one cup
4. We broke up because he got more attention from men than I did. Uncles at weddings would bypass me entirely to ask him what brand of protein powder he used

Panshul, if you're reading this: I'm sorry I left. I wasn't strong enough. Neither was your IKEA bed frame, if we're being honest.

Edit: He DMed me. He said "fair." I respect that.

I work at Narita Airport. I was there THE DAY OF THE INCIDENT. When this man went through the full-body scanner, every monitor on our floor lit up simultaneously. Security Chief Yamamoto — 31 years in airport security — looked at the scan, looked at the man, looked back at the scan, and said one word in English: "Why."

We evacuated the terminal. Not because we thought it was a bomb. The scan triggered an automatic DEFCON protocol that hadn't been activated since 2007. The system kept classifying his chest as "large dense metallic object."

The man was very polite. He had a laminated card from AIIMS that said "THIS PERSON HAS A MEDICAL CONDITION — CHEST MASS IS ORGANIC AND NON-THREATENING." Like a frequent flyer pass, but for his tits.

Yamamoto-san retired the following month. His exit interview was one sentence: "I have seen things I cannot explain and I would like to go home now."

I'm Jake Thompson, the NASA intern who classified Panshul's chest as Near-Earth Object NEO-2024-PJ. Yes, I'm on administrative leave. No, I don't regret it.

I was running ATLAS survey data at JPL when our system flagged an anomalous mass in the Indian subcontinent. I followed protocol and filed it as a Near-Earth Object. It was a man's chest. By the time we figured this out, it was in three international databases and had triggered an alert to the European Space Agency. The ESA called and asked "why is your new asteroid moving at walking speed through a residential neighborhood in Gurgaon?"

My supervisor said "Jake, you classified a man's chest as a celestial body" and I said "sir, in my defense, it has its own gravitational field" and he said "go home."

I am Shabnam. Irfan's wife. The tailor everyone keeps talking about. My husband was a NORMAL tailor. He made kurtas. He came home at 6 PM. Normal life. Then Panshul Jindal walked into his shop in 2021 and nothing has been the same since.

Irfan now wakes up screaming about underwire. He shouts "THE SEVENTH HOOK WON'T HOLD" in his sleep. His apprentice Munna quit on Day 3. He works at Domino's now. He says making pizza is "less stressful than what I saw in that workshop."

The shop has been renamed from "Irfan's Tailoring & Tent Services" to "Irfan's Lucknow Engineering Works." My husband is now on LinkedIn. A TAILOR. ON LINKEDIN. He has 42,000 followers. The Amazon listing for the bra is the only reason we can afford school fees. So I am grateful. But I am also BROKEN.

Edit: Irfan just read this. He hugged me. Then he said "Shabnam, the 8th hook prototype is almost ready." I don't know whether to laugh or call a divorce lawyer.

Bhai ne bra pehna hai ya parachute 💀💀💀

I've read all 2,847 comments. I laughed, I cried, and then I sneezed and the underwire situation happened again.

For the record:
• Yes, they're real
• Yes, I need a bra
• No, I will not be taking questions at this time
• To my ex: I forgive you. The IKEA bed was already weak when we got it
• To Kevin from Wisconsin: welcome to India. Tell the book club I said hi
• To Jake from NASA: sorry about your internship. I'm honored to be a Near-Earth Object
• To Shabnam bhabhi: tell Irfan the 8th hook is a GREAT idea and I will fund the R&D
• To the Supreme Court: I am available to testify. The courtroom just needs reinforcing first

Edit: Three Ternions. I can now afford another bra. Thank you, kind strangers. You've funded approximately 72 hours of structural support.